Ask Audrey
Audrey is here to answer questions that might be difficult to ask friends or family members. When it comes to your child's behavior, things can be difficult. But Audrey is here to help! Audrey is a psychologist that focuses specifically on parents and how they interact with their children through different scenarios and styles.
Ask Audrey About Parenting Scenarios
Having trouble controlling your child's inappropriate behavior? Just Ask Audrey for professional advice!
Dear Audrey,
My daughter and I were in the checkout line of our local grocery store. She asks if she can have a candy bar and I respond, "I'm sorry, but I don't think that is a good idea--we're meeting Gamma and Pap for dinner tonight at a restaurant and I don't want to ruin your appetite." She then begins to whine and scream that she wants the candy bar, "now!" Why is she acting this way? Should I have done something differently? Sincerely, Candy Crushed Dear Candy Crushed, This type of temperament occurs in a lot of young children who do not yet understand all of the boundaries of the parent-child relationship. Your daughter could potentially be placed under the negative affectivity category, due to her frustrated and distressed response to what seems to be a polite and emotionally stable response. Despite your emotional coaching technique, your daughter is difficult in nature. My advice would be to continue to direct your child with reasons why their request is not the best choice and then explain that their behavioral response of screaming and yelling is not appropriate in any situation, especially in public places. Upon your return to home, a timeout for poor behavior can effectively deal with these negative or irregular emotions your daughter is experiencing. Parenting is no easy task, so continue to put your child's best interest first, even if they are upset with you on a short term basis. Good luck! -Audrey Dear Audrey,
I recently received a call from my child's 1st grade teacher. Evidently, my son and his friend from school were playing on the playground at recess. His friend was bouncing a ball and my son went up to him, pushed him down, and took the ball away. He's never been violent before, why now? How do I teach him that violence is not the answer? Please help. Sincerely, The Recess Police Dear Recess Police, Your child seems to be presenting with certain uninhibited characteristics that can lead to violent responses when upset. This type of temperament is generally caused by lack of emotional control which in this case resulted in the use of violence. As for the timing of his response to frustration, perhaps he has been attempting to hiding his emotions or masking them to appear as something else. The key to making sure your point is received by such a young child is by addressing the issue directly. Confront your son about his poor behavior during recess with questions that will allow you to understand his motives behind his actions, such as "why did you push your friend? Were you happy or sad to see your friend hurt? Why?" Finding out the reasons behind your sons actions will help in deciding how to go about punishment. My suggestion would be to remove a favorite toy or object from daily use to show your son what it feels like to have something abruptly taken away. Violent temperament is difficult to deal with, but with proper emotional coaching and effective parental response, any child can get away from this type of behavior. -Audrey |
Dear Audrey,
While out shopping one day, my son had found some stickers he liked and was on track to get them at the end of the trip, however he decided to pick up a very expensive and breakable vase. I politely asked him to put it down but he refused. I then told him that if I counted to five and he still did not put the vase back, then he would no longer get to take home his new stickers. He failed to comply yet again, so I requested that he give me back the stickers due to his poor behavior. He refused as well, so I resorted to physically removing the stickers and the vase from him and he began to cause a scene in the store. I proceeded to pick him up to leave the store and he called me names, bit and hit me. He has done this before. How can I stop this violent behavior all together? Sincerely, the Sticker Thief Dear Sticker Thief, This violent type of behavior really needs to be dealt with right away in order to ensure no future violent actions against yourself or other children. Your son seems to be presenting with difficult temperament response techniques and surmounting to extreme measures of violence due to almost zero self-regulation and a negative affectivity classification. With this type of "temper tantrum" your son needs to understand that this behavior is unacceptable and cannot continue to occur at home, at school or in other public places. I would suggest time out with specific instructions to think about why they are behaving this way. Also, the typical "grounding" may be useful in this situation. Take away play dates with friends or favorite games or toys until your son can correctly behave without the use of violence. The quicker this problem is solved, the better off your entire family is! -Audrey Dear Audrey,
My daughter and I were in the toy section of a department store. She began to protest about how she needed new books because she was bored with her old ones. This again happened in the clothing aisle and again in the game aisle. At first, I responded with, "you have a lot of books, clothes and games--maybe another day." But after she continually whined about being bored, I quickly grabbed a pack of Go Fish cards and gave them to my daughter. She smiled brightly and was content after that. Is giving into her demands the right thing to do? Sincerely, Pushed Over Dear Pushed Over, It seems to me that your child is very successful at self-regulation and knows how to obtain the things she thinks she desires most. All children whine about little things such as new toys or games, and this is not something that needs punishment for. However, always giving into her demands will allow her to go past seemingly non-existent limits within the household. Next time this scenario occurs, stand your ground if you truly do not wish for her to have new toys. Explain to her that buying new things cannot happen every time they go shopping, but rather it is a special treat every once in a while. The key to saying no is the process of explaining to the child in order for them to understand the reasons behind your response. No parent wants to be the "bad guy" but being a push over might lead to an irresponsible child with no understanding of hard work or finances. -Audrey |
Ask Audrey About Parenting Styles
Dear Audrey,
My 14 year old son has recently brought home a very bad report card that consists of one "C", two "D"s, and a number of "F"s. This is his first bad report card and I do not understand what I am doing differently or what I need to change with my parenting style. In the past, he has gotten mostly "C's and "B"s. What further action should I be taking to solve this problem? Sincerely, Worried Wart Dear Worried Wart, Sometimes children's grades slip in their younger years when their parents are not involved with their school work. Children are still developing their responsibility and discipline skills to keep up with school work on their own, so guidance and support from a parent is crucial to allow the student to retain and practice new information on their subjects. I would suggest using an authoritative parenting style and explain that you expect your child to keep up with their work in the future. Explain you are disappointed in the sudden change in grades and allow them to talk freely about how they feel why their grades happened to slip. Offer future guidance and check up with them during the next school period in order to remind them that they need to be consistent in order to reach the goal of great grades. Having an uninvolved parenting style in their life is definitely something that parents should NOT do. Do not ignore the important aspects going on in their life from day to day. -Audrey Dear Audrey,
I have one fifteen year old teenager who I found sneaking a couple beers out of our refrigerator. What parenting style should I not follow to deal with him? What parenting style should I use to correct this situation? Sincerely, Strict Bartender Dear Strict Bartender, The parenting style that you should not follow is the permissive style. Do not leave the situation be without scolding the teenager and providing some type of punishment while explaining why they are receiving this punishment. The parenting style that should be used is authoritative. Allow to explain that you do not want them to drink until a few years ahead, but you understand that they want to explore what the taste of beer might be like. While providing reasoning behind your punishment, the teenager will be better able to understand where you are coming from and what the rules are in the household. Good luck with the teenager period. Communication will be key! -Audrey |
Dear Audrey,
My ten year old daughter wants to know why I do not want to allow her to wear makeup, nylons, and earrings. She says all her friends do. What is the right thing to say to her during this situation without upsetting her? What type of parenting style should I use in order to solve this problem? What parenting style should I not use? Sincerely, Fashion Police Dear Fashion Police, The parenting style you should not use to respond to your child is the Authoritarian style. This would occur if you tell your daughter no because you simply "said so". This does not provide an explanation for her and will create feelings of resentment inside of her and an increased likelihood of anger and rebellion. The parenting style that you should use with your daughter is the authoritative, where you can tell your daughter you do not feel comfortable with her wearing those types of clothing yet and then proceed to explain your reasoning behind that decision. That will allow your daughter to think about the situation critically and better able to understand why you said no and respond with an increased likelihood of obedience. Most likely, not ALL of her other friends are wearing these other types of trends. Exaggeration can occur when frustration is present. Allow your daughter to know that she will eventually be able to wear those types of things in the future if she is willing to respect the rules you provide and if she is good, you will then reward her. -Audrey Dear Audrey,
My 6th grader has started using swear words during their normal conversations around the house and I have become concerned. I understand that this behavior may be coming from outside sources of media and friends, but how do I set the rules straight? Sincerely, Suzie Swearword Dear Suzie Swearword, Do not be permissive and allow this behavior to continue because it will only provide more problems in the future. Use an authoritative parenting style instead where you explain to your 6th grader that, swear words are inappropriate to use in such social settings. They need to understand the rules you set down in the household and know that if they break them, then punishment will continue. Perhaps create a swear word jar where they have to give up a dollar of their money every time they swear inside of the household. You should not be swearing either in order to set a good example for them on how to act in certain social settings. -Audrey |